Do you wish you could last longer in bed? Increase your sexual stamina? Have sex for hours without stopping?
This is by far one of the most commonly asked questions that I get from my male readers… so today, I want to answer this question to the fullest extent possible. And considering the average length of time that men last in bed is less than five minutes, I’m not surprised that I get the question as often as I do.
Why Men Want To Last Longer In Bed
Before we dig into exactly how to last longer in bed, I want to touch briefly on making sure your intention is a beneficial one.
One of the first things I ask my private coaching clients when they ask me how to last longer in bed is simply… “Does your partner want you to last longer… or are they already happy with your sexual performance?”
I ask this question for two reasons.
1. Many times porn has gotten it into a man’s head that he needs to be able to fuck like a beast for hours on end without pausing, simply because that’s what the men in porn seem to be able to do.
2. Often the man’s partner doesn’t even want more penetrative sex. He’s only learning to last longer to satisfy the clock (or the arbitrary number of minutes in his mind)… as opposed to his actual partner.
So before you step into this journey, make sure that you actually want to achieve the end goal. If you’re happy having penetrative sex for a few minutes, then you’re good. You’re off the hook.
But if you’re like most men, and you actually do want (and need) to learn how to last longer, then read on.
The Three Things You Need To Stop Doing In Order To Last Longer In Bed
Imagine a speedboat sitting in the water… just off the shoreline. Now imagine that the speedboat needs to get to a nearby island… and FAST!
No matter how souped up of an engine the speedboat has… or no matter how high-tech its fuel is… it won’t get there very fast if it has its anchor scraping along the bottom of the ocean floor.
It’s the same thing with learning to last longer in bed. If I give you the proactive tips without first removing the things that are holding you back, you won’t get anywhere very quickly. You’ll be revving your engine with little progress to show for it.
Here are the three biggest things you need to stop doing in order to last longer in bed.
(Note: these tips in this article build on each other so make sure that you read them in the order that they’re presented, and implement them in the same order as well)
1. Quit watching porn
If you’ve been following me for the past few years, you’ve likely heard me say this before. But it bears repeating.
There’s a ton of emerging scientific data on this subject and the short story is this – consuming any significant amount of porn (even a couple of times per week) rewires your brain to get used to being OVERLY stimulated… so that by the time it comes to having sex with an actual person, your mind (and penis) will have been trained to ejaculate a lot faster than you would have otherwise.
It would be like if you were used to living off of fast food burgers, energy drinks, and cocaine… and then someone came along and said “Hey, you know what? There isn’t a lot of nutrition in those things. You might want to try eating fruit and vegetables every now and then.”
Then, when you started eating those things, your mouth (and body, and mind) would likely say “This doesn’t taste very exciting… we might as well just get this over with.”
So to give yourself the best shot at lasting longer in bed, quit watching porn altogether. It might be challenging at first, but I promise that if you commit to it, you’ll end up having stronger orgasms, more emotionally fulfilling sex, and you’ll be lasting longer in no time.
2. Masturbating quickly
Something that goes hand in hand with watching porn (see what I did there?) is masturbating quickly and racing towards ejaculation.
When you were younger it was highly likely that you masturbated quickly as a means of necessity. Maybe you were afraid that your parents/siblings/babysitter/etc. was going to walk in while you rubbed one out… and so you had to be quick about it.
There’s nothing wrong, bad, or shameful about masturbating in the slightest. It is one of the most natural things that human beings do… ever. And it feels amazing. You should keep it up. I’m not taking masturbating off of the proverbial table.
It’s just that, in terms of wanting to last longer, masturbating quickly will stand in the way of increasing your stamina.
Masturbation is one of the biggest double edged swords in the ‘how do I last longer?’ realm. Why? Because if you do it wrong, it makes you cum faster than almost anything else. But if you do it in a more mindful, productive manner, it can one of your biggest allies in learning to last longer.
To describe it in plain terms…
The worst way that you could be masturbating is to watch a quick succession/variety of porn, and make yourself cum in less than two minutes,
The best way you can masturbate is to carve out a significant amount of time (i.e. 20-45 minutes), get comfortable in a place where you feel safe (i.e. no one will walk in on you), and use your awareness to really dial into the pleasure that you’re feeling.
So if the first way is like splashing your face with water to wake yourself up, the second way is like allowing yourself to leisurely swim around in the pool for a while.
(Note: when I say ‘worst’ and ‘best’ in regards to masturbating, I don’t mean that one is inherently good or bad… it’s just that one is more productive in helping you last longer in bed and the other is far less productive. They’re two different strategies… one that helps you and another that hinders you.)
3. Consuming too many stimulants
The modern day convenience-focused diet ends up putting a ton of really harmful things into our bodies.
And while the lack of time spent in a kitchen might seem like it gives you more time to be productive in your work life, in reality, it’s one of the biggest anchors keeping your speed boat stuck in the same spot.
If you regularly consume refined sugar, caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, and any other nervous system stimulants and/or depressants, you’re messing with a lot of systems in your body. Your sleep cycles suffer. Your hormonal balance suffers. Your mood suffers. Your mental clarity suffers. And, you guessed it, your reproductive system suffers.
Basically, when we treat our bodies like we don’t give a shit about them, they slowly start to retaliate.
Imagine that you have a five year old child. The more you ignore them, the more they’re going to crave your attention. And so it is with your body. If you mistreat it, it will be upset with you.
How does this apply to lasting longer in bed?
Well, similar to the porn example above, if you are routinely consuming substances that alter your mood in cheap, ‘easy’, and unsustainable ways, your mind and body get increasingly used to being in an overly stimulated state. Your mind, mood, and blood sugar levels will be alternating between peaks and valleys as opposed to nice, long sustainable swells of energy. Do you see the overlap? Just like you don’t want your sexual performance to go straight into a peak state (i.e. climaxing too quickly), you don’t want your energy levels to be trained to be living off of quick-burning kindling. You want to be sustaining yourself off of slow-burning logs that last for hours.
What do you consume instead?
Well, first of all, consider cutting out smoking, drinking (alcohol), and drugs entirely. Or at least 99% of them. Then, do the things that you’ve been told your whole life. Drink lots of water, prioritize your sleep, and eat lots of nutrient dense foods (lots of colourful fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, and limited amounts of organic/farm raised/pastured meats and fish) to send the signal to your body that you love and honour it.
Simple as that.
So those are the three biggest things that you need to STOP doing in order to last longer in bed… but what about the proactive steps? How can you supercharge your sexual performance going forwards, after having removed these sexual anchors that have kept you stuck for so long?
The Six Things You Need To Start Doing To Last Longer In Bed
I know, I know… giving up porn and fast food and all of the other bullshit your body hates isn’t fun or necessarily sexy homework. But it’s necessary stuff. And, again, in order for you to get massive results in terms of how you last longer in bed, it had to come first.
And now (!!!)… now we’re into the really juicy stuff.
1. Progressive muscle relaxation
One of the fastest ways to orgasm faster than you want to is to clench all of your major muscle groups. Tense your shoulders… tense your abdominals… tense your legs, etc.
And, alternatively, one of the fastest ways to slow down your impending orgasm is to release and relax your major muscle groups.
That is to say, the more relaxed you are, the more control you have over when you climax.
With this in mind, one of the best preventative measures you can do to last longer in bed is to regularly set aside times to practice what is known as progressive muscle relaxation.
An easy way to do this is to lay down on your back (on the floor or on your bed) and put your attention on releasing all of the physical attention from body parts that you focus on, one at a time.
For example, you would lie on your back, begin breathing deeply, and then check in with your feet. You could ask them (in your mind) “How can I relax my feet even further?” And then relax them. And then work your way up your body and do that same exercise with your calves, your thighs, your hips, your stomach, your chest, your arms, your hands, your neck, your face, and so forth.
If you ever find yourself having difficulty mentally connecting with a certain are of your body, intentionally clench the muscles of that area first (just to have them come ‘online’ in your awareness) and then release them from that place of having over-corrected into physical tension.
You can work wonders for your sexual performance, and your day to day levels of relaxation and stress release, by doing this for even ten minutes at a time, once or twice per week.
And then, by having done this in your normal life (i.e. outside of the bedroom) then your body will be that much more at ease when it comes time to lasting longer in bed.
2. P.C. muscle exercises (also known as kegel exercises)
Another great exercise, in some ways similar to progressive muscle relaxation, is kegel exercises.
If you’ve never heard of them before, kegel exercises are a method of tensing and releasing your pubococcygeus muscles (aka P.C. muscle) for greater erectile strength, person satisfaction (your orgasms become that much stronger and more pleasurable), and sexual stamina.
To put it simply, your P.C. muscle is a hammock shaped muscle that cradles your groin area. It stretches from your tail bone to your public bone. One of the easiest ways to connect with it is to go pee, and clench the muscle that stops the flow of your urine. That muscle that successfully clamps down on the flow of your urine is your P.C. muscle.
Kegels are a great exercise to do outside of the bedroom, as a preventative practice, because as you approach your orgasm (when you’re alone or with your partner) you can clench your P.C. muscle in order to delay and/or stop your impending ejaculation from happening.
Чтобы начать упражнение с кегелем, сядьте удобно на стуле, поддерживая спину, и чередуйте быстрые подъемы мышц вашего ПК с более длительными удержаниями (1-3 секунды каждый).
3. The 9-5 technique
The 9-5 technique is a phrase that I coined regarding the most effective way to masturbate in order to help you last longer in bed.
Imagine your sexual arousal on a scale of 1-10. One being you sitting at home knitting, and ten being you at the absolute peak of having an orgasm.
The 9-5 technique is the process of arousing yourself, in a rising and falling manner, up and down, between 5 out of 10 and 9 out of 10.
Some people have called this edging in the past, but it’s a bit different from edging. Edging is the process of riding your sexual arousal wave on the higher end of the spectrum. As in, going from an 8 to a 9… then a 9 to an 8.5… and so forth.
The 9-5 technique is more about taking multiple runs towards the finish line, from a place of low/medium arousal (i.e. 5/10) so that your mind gets an expert understanding of what your orgasmic point of no return feels like (and when to safely back away from it) and your body gets trained in to the fact that you’re allowed to feel sexual pleasure and not have that stimulus mean “I need to cum as quickly as possible.”
The more we re-train our bodies, minds, and arousal responses in this fashion, the easier it will become to slow down before we climax with our partner, and we will have that much more control over our sexual performance in general.
And similar to progressive muscle relaxation and the aforementioned kegel exercises, the 9-5 technique is something that we can do once or twice per week (for 20-45 minutes each session) and see obvious, trustable results in how we show up sexually for our partners.
4. Deep breathing
I touched on it very briefly in the progressive muscle relaxation section, but another massive tool that will help you last longer is deep breathing. And it’s something that you can practice in your daily life, while masturbating, or whole with your partner. But similarly to the kegel exercises and progressive muscle relaxation, it’s best done (at least at first) outside of the bedroom so that your mind and body are already used to it, and you’ll have one less thing to juggle in your mind when it comes time to perform.
One of my favourite methods of practicing deep breathing for greater calm (and ultimately greater sexual stamina) is what is known as ‘box breathing.’
Box breathing is the process of breathing in through your nose for a slow count of four, suspending the inhale for four seconds (aka pausing without tensing up), exhaling through your nose for a slow count of four, and then suspending your exhale for a count of four. Four, four, four, four. That’s it. You simply sit or lie down in a comfortable position and do that for a few minutes. Et voila! You’ve just mastered box breathing.
Now, after having done that a few times on your own, it’ll feel that much more natural to do it (or something similar to it) while you are having sex with your partner.
Again, one of the fastest ways you can make yourself climax is to clench your muscles and breathe quickly and shallowly. So, alternatively, one of the most effective ways to last longer in bed is to relax your major muscle groups and to breathe, long, sustained breaths. When you send the signal to your mind (through your breath) that you are relaxed, it will believe you, and it won’t feel the need to race towards orgasm.
So take some deep breaths. You can even start practising right now.
Slow and steady wins the race.
5. Extend your foreplay
One of the biggest mental re-frames that I have a lot of my male coaching clients realize is that sex isn’t only about penetration.
And while, yes, it’s true that certain high level orgasms are difficult for your female partner to achieve without prolonged deep penetration sexual acts that are not penis-in-vagina sex are still sex.
By extending your foreplay, you cumulatively increase the amount of sexual pleasure that you and your partner each feel, and you also give your mind and body the ability to drop in to the extended space of “Riiiiight… I’m allowed to feel sexual pleasure, and that doesn’t mean that I have to race towards climax.” Which is exactly what the point of the 9-5 technique is (see? It’s all coming together now).
So if you’re used to spending a couple of seconds or minutes on foreplay, see what happens when you reeeeaaaally let yourself slow down. What would it look like if you spent thirty minutes building up the anticipation with sexual pleasure? Or 45 minutes? Or a full hour?
Extend your foreplay, slow down, focus on the pleasure you receive from kissing, cuddling, manual stimulation, and oral sex, and you’ll feel your mind and body transition from anxiety to a deep place of calm, stillness, and confidence.
(In fact, you could just do away with the term foreplay, because really all sexual play is still pleasurable. There is no before and after element… it’s all sex.)
6. Be more present
Have you ever heard the old advice of ‘Just think of baseball’ or other nonsense along those lines? The idea is that by distracting yourself you’ll be able to last longer.
In reality, the opposite of true.
Think about it… why would disconnecting from your body and sexual arousal help you last longer? That’s like saying “If I stop checking my rear view mirror while I’m driving then nothing could possibly be behind me.”
Denial and disconnection don’t work.
The best thing you can do is to be MORE present with the pleasure that you’re experiencing. The more aware you are of where you are in your arousal arch, and how amazing it feels, the more control you’ll have over when you climax.
Somewhat similarly to the progressive muscle relaxation tip, you want to put a large percentage of your attention and focus on the sexual pleasure you’re feeling. The more you mentally drill down into “Oh my god, this feels sooo good!” the more aware you’ll be where you start climbing up the scale towards your 8/10 and 9/10 of arousal. When you start nearing your ejaculatory point of no return, you can either focus more on relaxing your muscles, breathing deeply, or you can pause altogether (either while inside your partner or you can pull out momentarily) and clench your newly buff P.C. muscle to ensure that you don’t cum before you want to.
Bonus Round: An Effective Psychological Trick For Lasting Longer
Alright, so maybe you’ve bookmarked this article, carried out everything in it, and now your physiological sexual stamina is on point, but you’re one of those over-achievers who likes to take things to the next level. And for that, I commend you!
Here is a quick and actionable way that you can last longer that is as simple as changing one single thought process in your mind.
Don’t look at the wall
Most men who are used to climaxing faster than they want to have a constant verbal loop in their mind that goes “Don’t cum… don’t cum… it isn’t time to cum yet… just hold off for another minute… she looks like she might be close… just hold off for another little bit” etc.
In race car driving, there’s the idea that you shouldn’t look at where you don’t want to go, but rather you should be looking at where you want to go. It’s often summarized by the phrase “Look at the road, not the wall.” Because if you look at the wall, you’ll hit the wall. And it’s the same way with telling yourself repeatedly to “not” cum too soon.
Why is that? Because our minds aren’t good at registering negative commands. An example would be “Don’t think of two old people having sex right now… hey, I said don’t picture them!”
So instead, repeat a more empowering phrase in your mind. Some examples of empowering phrases would be “I could do this alllllll night…”, or “This feels amazing, and I’m so glad that I’m able to feel this pleasure for hours on end.”
How To Last Longer In Bed – Quick-Start Synopsis For The Action Takers
Hopefully that amount of information wasn’t too overwhelming. But I swear, if you implement even 25% of these tips into your life, you’ll be lasting 5-20x longer in no time.
The days where you could barely make it five minutes will be long gone. Start implementing these changes in your life today, and you’ll be confidently lasting longer, pleasuring your partner more fully, and feeling a deep sense of pride in your sexual performance in no time.
Not sure where to start? I would say that the highest leverage places to start is to do the following…
1. Stop watching porn. Quit coffee/smoking/caffeine/excessive amounts of refined sugar. Start setting aside time to masturbate and do the 9-5 technique.
2. During sex … extend the foreplay, breathe more fully and relax the muscles.
*article written by author jordan gray official blog jordangrayconsulting.com